Black Roses
by Tay otptilltheend
Summary: The past can only stay buried for so long, what happens when dark secrets about Natasha's past are discovered? How will she react? How far will she go to keep her self preservation alive? Will her relationship with Steve survive? *Post CAWS, Pre-AOU* Review/Comment
1. The Rose

**A/N:** This is a mix of a comic strip I saw on Tumblr, my own ideas, and Serena Bancroft's story "White" This is NOT a collaboration I am simply using her version of Natasha's back story and adding my own twist to it. This is a Romanogers fic, and it is an established relationship in case anyone is wondering

***Red Wolf is not mine. All character credit goes to Serena Bancroft***

***The art cover is mine, it can be found on my Tumblr** (OTPTillTheEndEdits.)*****

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"We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury. Our bodies remember. Our neurotic states remember. But we don't."- Jeanette Winterson

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The room was overly bright as the sun streamed in through the curtain-less windows, the door closed behind the red head and echoed throughout the loft. Despite it being fully furnished it didn't feel like home to Natasha. Putting her keys in her pocket she walked towards her closet, mentally going through a list of things she would need. As she packed the suite case she let out a humorless chuckle. It seemed like she was moving _in _with him. Natasha Romanoff moving _in _with someone that just sounded ridiculous. Looking up from her folding, her green eyes caught something on the couch. What was it? _Maybe one of the many reporters had finally broken in? _But the lock was intact. _Maybe someone picked the lock? _That made her drop the blouse that was in her hand and walk over to the couch. Her heart stopped as she finally saw what it was. Lying on the couch was a single black rose, beneath it sat a crisp white envelope. Her throat closed up as her fingers wrapped around the stem, picking it up her green eyes studied every petal as her mind struggled with the memory.

_We have no place in this world… _

_The hand that reaches for her faces pushes her down onto the gurney._

_Cold gloved hands._

_Pain. Pain is all she can feel. _

She gasps, the rose slipping from her fingers, blinking back the memory she reaches down grabbing the envelope. _Widow _is all that's written on the front in red ink. Pulling out the card she opened it. The ink was clearly different from the one on the front of the envelope, the ink on the inside looked more like blood than ink.

_Do you remember any of the people you've killed? What about Alisa Katayev? Or as you remember her Red Wolf._

It wasn't signed, but whoever it was knew intimate details about her. Details that were not in her file, details that had not been released onto the internet. Swallowing hard she let the card fall onto the hardwood floor. Walking back to her room she grabbed a black duffel back and started filling it with guns, ammo, Widow Bites, her Widow Lines, her extra suite and a few articles of clothing.

The loft was supposed to be a safe house. Thus nothing was personal. Having personal items meant you got attached. And _she _could not get attached. _Emotions are a weakness, Widow. You cannot be weak._ Her footsteps echoed slightly as she opened the door, letting it slam shut. Natasha didn't bother to locking it, she wouldn't be back. There was no evidence as to who lived there; the less evidence there was the easier it would be to lie about it. Making her way back to her corvette she threw the bag into the passenger side before getting in and starting the car.

"Damn it." She mumbled to herself as she looked at her phone. Two missed calls and three texts. Steve. She had said she would only take an hour, that hour had turned into two hours. _Great. _Now pretending she was ok was necessary. The Widow was the best when it came to facades. At least she hopped she still was.

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_To Be Continued . . ._


	2. Distractions

**A/N:** I'm glad you guys have found it interesting so far! If some of you follow me on Twitter you will know I already have 11 chapters planned out, I just need time to write them. I started school again and I'm still trying to figure out how to work with my schedule so I can have at least an hour to write a chapter. Anyways, word of warning, I started working on Chapter 6 first. This Chapter is the third one I worked on and I'm sorry if they don't flow or if they have a different feel to them. I haven't been writing them chronologically. Hope you guys still like it (: Any questions just comment and Ill try an answer them without giving anything away

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Making her way into the apartment she was greeted by Steve sitting on the couch, his laptop open on his lap.

"Hey you, how'd it go?"

"Fine.. Got distracted" She offered as she closed the door and made her way towards the coffee table, setting her things down on it.

"I have dinner plans tonight, hope you don't mind"

"Business or pleasure?" He looked up at her, curiosity evident in his blue eyes.

"He's a SHEILD pilot" Natasha replied as she ran a hand through her red curls. "What are you researching?" Green hues glancing at the laptop, before looking at him.

He looked up at her, hearing it was a man she was having dinner with. She hadn't answered his question, simply avoided it by changing the subject. Very Black Widow of her. "Just some files Stark sent me about what happened after I went under the ice"

The red head nodded, "I'm gna take a shower" she mumbled before turning on her heels and heading for the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, she stripped before getting into the shower. Turning on the hot water she let the scalding liquid relax her. Natasha couldn't forget something Alisa had said when they first met; it haunted her to this day. _I'm not heartless_

The water slowly became uncomfortable. It wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. Sighing, she turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel before getting out. As she dried her hair she couldn't get those blue eyes and blonde hair out of her mind. Padding into the bedroom she dries herself off before slipping on a clean pair on underwear.

"You ok?" Steve's voice invaded her thoughts as she grabbed her black dress.

"Yeah, just need to get ready" Natasha replied as she slipped on the material. The look in his blue eyes would be confusing to anyone else, but she knew better. That look was a look of jealousy, she knew he was jealous as he nodded and walked out of the room.

_You got to act better, Widow _She said to herself as she finally emerged from the bedroom fully dressed, "I'll see you later"

"Yeah. Have fun." Steve replied as he scrolled on his laptop, "If you drink take a cab home"

His replies were short, which was a sign that he was _clearly _jealous. She wanted to tell him that she was Russian and that she couldn't get drunk, but she couldn't bring herself to care as she grabbed her phone and care key before walking out. Heading to her car she kept thinking of every face she had ever seen in the Red Room, trying to figure out _who _the person could be.

_Three Hours Later _

Natasha carefully opened the door and slipped into the warm apartment. Melting snow decorated her red curls as she closed the door. Looking around the living room she noticed Steve was not where he had been. Wandering into the bedroom she sighed before taking off her heels and dress and changing into her pjs. _'Wonder where he's at'_ she thought to herself as she grabbed her laptop and made her way to the couch.

_'Where to start?'_ she pondered as her fingers hovered over the keys. Typing in _'KGB'_ her green eyes started scanning the screen. A couple minutes later the front door opened.

"Welcome back" Steve replied as he saw her. He set a bag down and headed into his room. Green eyes took in his attire _he'd been at the gym_; probably taking out his frustration on a couple punching bags.

Turning back to the screen she typed in Red Room, hoping to find something she didn't already know. Running a hand through her hair she sighed, it had been fifteen minutes, and she hit another dead end. Looking up, Steve emerged from the room in track pants and a clean t-shirt freshly showered.

This silence between then was growing, Natasha knew it was because of her dinner date with Jason. Knew she might be causing it, but she couldn't bring herself to care enough. Her excuse was that she was protecting him from her past, but maybe she was just trying to protect herself.

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**A/N:** Sorry if this chapter seems random; it's just how it came out, it sets up their "rocky" relationship, which causes Natasha to make a decision in an upcoming chapter. Promise future chapters will be much better than this one.

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_To Be Continued. . . _


	3. A Lead

**A/N:** This is the same night as the last chapter. Also I _know _that in my other Romanogers fic "After Hours" they are very OOC meaning Out Of Character. Its fan fiction, characters can be cannon or as OOC as the author wants them to be. Just addressing a comment that was left by an anonymous person. ANYWAYS hope you guys like this chapter, comment/review any questions you might have. Follow me on Twitter to keep up to date with my fic updates.

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There are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don't dare let out

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Lists of names went through her mind. _Who could it be?_ _Who could be the one behind the note?_ She desperately tried to fall asleep, her breathing slow; hoping that Steve wouldn't realize she was still awake.

_Kadnikov _She thought at she turned on her side, Steve's arm wrapped round her midsection as he slept. Carefully she lifted his arm and slowly got out of bed. Quietly she picked up the clothing she had worn the day before along with her gun and padded into the living room. Changing into the clothes she looked back into the bedroom, making sure he was still asleep.

_Be back in the morning _

Natasha scrawled out on a piece of paper and left the note on the bed before quietly opening the door and leaving. She knew that any and all underground rumors and secrets went through Kadnikov. He was a Russian mafia lord that controlled almost all of Russia, but was struggling to gain fully control due to another mafia wanting to dethrone him. Whoever it was that had an interest in her and the Red Room he would definitely know.

Taking a cab she made it to the airport in record time; by New York standards anyway.

_Russia_

Getting a cab, the red head made her way to a club that was notorious for its illegal activity and was Kadnikov's second home. The smell of cigar smoke and loud music assaulted her as she walk in. Purposefully she made her way over to the VIP section where the Mafia lord was at. His guards froze as soon as they saw her, the infamous red hair was well known at being the Black Widow's signature look; Natasha was well aware they knew stories about her. A smug smirk tugged at her lips as she stood in front of Kadnikov.

"What do you want?" His Russian accent was thick as he puffed out a cloud of smoke. The Cuban cigar dangling from between his index and middle finger.

"Who knows about the Red Room?" Natasha asked, her voice calm as her green hues glared at him and the men beside him.

"Everyone knows about it" He laughed a mocking laugh as he took a large swing of the vodka filled glass in front of him.

Pulling out the gun that had been nestled in the waistband of her jeans, she pointed it at the guard on her left. "Who know about it?"

Kadnikov only tilted his hand, as if daring her to shoot the man. Two shots were barley heard over the loud techno music. The man yelled in agony as he crumbled to the floor, his hands holding his now bleeding crotch.

"You shot him in the groin" Kadnikov's voice filled with fear and shock.

"Good you're not blind. Now tell me who knows or you're next" the red head pointed the gun at him, her finger on the trigger.

The man on the right leaned in and whispers something in his ear. "Alright. Sergei Veslovsky. He's been rumored to have Intel on the Red Room"

Turning on her heels Natasha headed back the way she'd come. Raising the gun that was still in her hand, she shot the guard that stood by the VIP rope. Again in the groin.

"He's in the States! He left a couple days ago" The Russian man called out as a satisfied smile curled on the spy's lips.

_Ten Hours Later _

The late afternoon sun reflected off the snow that still decorated the sidewalk and streamed into the bookstore. Sitting on the floor against the wall, the red head looked at her screen intently. To anyone walking around the bookstore she looked like someone doing a report, maybe a student or someone doing their doctorate. Natasha was doing neither of those things; she was looking for information about Sergei via the dark web.

Two hours later the spy slammed the laptop shut and got up. It was useless there was hardly any information on Sergei, anything that she found directed her onto the main web. It was as if the dark web knew nothing about him. Finding someone usually didn't take her this long, there was always plenty of information about her targets, and unfortunately Sergei was the exception.

As she drove back to Steve's apartment she couldn't help but let her mind go back into the deep dark place she called her past. The guilt she'd felt when she'd killed the Red Wolf was still fresh as if she had just done it yesterday. If she ever did tell Steve about it would he look at her the same way? Clint didn't even know about it. Steve would be disgusted.. He wouldn't want anything to do with me

Pulling to the curb she got out and headed up the familiar steps of the building. Taking a deep breath she opened the door to his apartment and braced herself for a fight she knew was coming.

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**A/N 2:** I will try and post a new chapter every Friday since I don't have classes on Fridays. This chapter won't be posted on Friday since I won't have access to the computer that day, but I will _try _to get future chapters out on Friday (Friday where I live)

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_To Be Continued. . . _


	4. Self Preservation

**A/N:** I _know _I said that I had 11 chapters planned out but I put a few together as one and I ended up with 9 _maybe _10\. I don't really know how I'm going to end this story, I had one thought of one way to end it but now I have two. I also _might _add one or two more chapters, still not sure. But for sure follow me on twitter to get updates on my fics, follow me on Tumblr to see the edits I make and also for _some_ updates on my fics.

(**sophiayork13**) Twitter

(**otptilltheendedits**) Tumblr

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Lies and secrets they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.

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To say that Natasha had been preoccupied was an understatement. Any opportunity she got to be on her laptop, she would; when she and Steve were having dinner, at night, early in the morning. She knew Steve was getting worried but he didn't push, for which Natasha was beyond thankful.

"Nat, come to bed…please. Its 3 in the morning" Steve's muscular frame slowly made its way across the living room floor, to where she sat on the ottoman.

Green eyes flickered up in acknowledgement, only to return to the screen.

"You've been like that for the past couple of weeks, what is it you're working on?"

"Nothing" The lie to simple and came out so effortlessly. It was an automatic response to anyone who was trying to pry.

"Bullshit" Steve said as he reached for the laptop, only to have her slam it shut.

His blue eyes were filled with worry. He was worried about her. Why wouldn't he be? They were partners, they cared about each other and he loved her. Looking away she stood up, a soft sigh emitting from her lips. Running her hand through her red curls she walked to the window, the snow on the ground making everything seem innocent and pure, things she was not.

"I think we should take a break…" The words split the silence, hanging heavy between them.

"What? What do you mean?" Steve's brows furrowed as he made his way over to her. Her words making no sense, what had brought this up? They were doing fine, weren't they?

"I just…" Taking a deep breath she turned to face time, her features not giving anything away. "I just need space."

Space. How much space? What did she consider 'space'? Was this her way of telling him it was over?

"Natasha, you're just tired. We'll talk about it when you've rested. If-"

"Stop!" Cutting him off, she shook her head before looking at him. "Space and time are what I need"

Without another word she grabbed her jacket, slipping her phone into her jean pocket, she shrugged on the black leather. Grabbing her laptop and keys she headed out the door.

"Natasha. Wait!" Steve called as he made his way after her.

"Space. Please" Her words were soft but she knew he heard her, as he stopped by the door frame. With one last glance she walked down the hallway and down the stairs. The cold air stinging her cheeks as she exited the building. _Emotions will only slow you down, Widow. They will prevent you from completing your mission. _Getting into her Corvette she tossed the laptop into the passenger side and headed to a coffee shop in Manhattan. The person had to be Russian in order to know about the Red Room program, they also must have known someone within the program itself to know such intimate details. Sergei Veslosky was neither of them; Kadnikov had given her the wrong Intel. Her mind raced thinking of who it could be as she drove. The problem was that she didn't _know _their names. No one had a name, at least not one they told them. Thinking about it made her zone out, something she could not do while driving.

Once at the coffee shop she sat down with a wall behind herself, having full view of the seats in front of her. It was deserted except for the business people and lawyers who were in line for their morning dose of caffeine. Opening up her computer she started searching, using any and all code-names she could remember; even her own name.

_Red Room…._

_Alisa Katayev…. _

_Red Wolf…. _

_Black Widow… _

_Erskine…._

_KGB…. _

Green hues slowly scanned the screen, not wanting to miss any important information. But she already knew all of it; she'd been searching the same names for the past could of weeks. Normally, it wouldn't take her so long to find someone, but these were _not _normal circumstances. This had to do with _her_ past. Glancing up she noticed a woman walk past her and towards the restrooms. Pressing a few keys on the keyboard, the screen froze on the main page, getting up she got in the relatively short line and ordered a large coffee. Taking the hot cup from the barista she made her way back to her seat. Sitting down Natasha noticed a newspaper on the table next to her that had not been there before, reaching out she grabbed it and looked at the front page before unfolding it. '_Widow, see weather report. C5' _was written in red ink on the inside, glancing around, she turned to C5 only to find more red ink.

'_Light snow fall, bring a coat and formal attire. You do remember Russian winters don't you?' _

That was a lead. Every nerve in her body was telling her it was. Setting the paper aside she clicked away at the keyboard she opened Google and searched the one name that didn't fit. _Sergei Veslovsky. _Sure enough, Sergei was going to be speaking at some party in Moscow, the day after tomorrow. _Russia it is_ she thought to herself as she looked that the screen in front of her.

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_To Be Continued _


	5. Digging

**A/N:** This is a new chapter that has been added. It is in Steve's POV; I felt the need to write this along with two maybe three other new chapters because there wasn't enough action and also because a new idea popped into my head. I'm not the best at writing Steve so I hope I did some justice. Hope you enjoy.

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"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts." ― Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes

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Blue hues looked around the living room. It suddenly felt cold and unwelcoming; it also smelt too much like Natasha. Turning on his heels he walked back into his room and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing his go bag he made his way out of his apartment, there was only one person he knew that could help him and that was Tony.

Fifteen minutes later he found himself walking through the Tower and down to Tony's workshop. Knocking on the glass door he waited for JARVIS to announce that he was there, the loud AC/DC music vibrated through the glass door and even through the floor.

"Capsicle, what can I do for you?" The billionaire said as his friend walked through the door.

"It's Natasha, something is not right, she's hiding something"

"Red, is not like us. She's probably doing Black Widow things. Don't think you need to worry about her" waving a hand dismissively, Tony turned back to his latest suite. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to finish this"

"At least see if she's ok"

"Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know in the morning" He could tell that Steve was worried about their Russian friend, he didn't ask why, instead he agreed to help. Dark hues watched as the solider walked out of his workshop and towards the elevator. He might be a solider and a leader but as he pressed a button on the elevator, he looked tired and worried, something Tony had never thought he would feel. Setting down the wrench he had been holding he walked out of his workshop and headed up to his office.

The sun's rays shone through the window, Steve found himself sitting on the couch in the large living room of the Tower. It was almost mid-day, he had tried to sleep but sleep did not come, not with his mind on Natasha and what she could be hiding.

"I found something" a voice broke his thoughts, turning around he found Stark walking towards him, a Stark pad in hand.

"What?"

"She went to Russia about a week ago. I tracked her phone… not much has been going on.."

Standing up Steve walked towards his friend, "She was on her computer a lot.."

"Right. Let me tap into your internet and see if I can find out what she was looking at"

With that both men walked out of the living room and towards the elevator, headed for Tony's office.

"It's going to take a while, there's a lot of searching being done both by you and her… got to separate who searched what" Tapping away at the device in his hand, Tony furrowed his brow, his dark hues scanning the screen.

"We don't have a while. We both know where he past leads, why don't we start there?"

Glancing from the screen the billionaire raised a brow, "You mean go to Russia?"

"Yes, we'll start there."

"Alright, I'll have a jet ready in twenty."

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_To Be Continued. . . ._


	6. Running

**A/N:** I changed this chapter and I also added Steve's POV in the previous chapter. Do tell me what you guys think! This chapter is set between 9 and 10 am.

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"Secrets and lies… Everyone in the world deals with these every day of their lives. To protect themselves. To protect someone else. It is all in the way that you look at the situation." – Lacy Thorn

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Opening the wooden door, Natasha let herself into the apartment. _He's not here.. _She thought to herself as she walked into his bedroom. Her duffel bag was still on the floor, some of her clothes were hanging in his closet, and her heels were hazardously lying on the floor. Swallowing thickly the red head began grabbing the few articles of her clothing that were hung in the closet. Shoving them into her bag she grabbed her heels and headed back out into the living room. With one last glance around she made her way out, closing the door as she went. This building was becoming all too familiar, just like his apartment, like waking up in the morning and having him next to her. They were all starting to become familiar. In her world things that were familiar only made you weak, they were eventually ripped away from you and then you had nothing but yourself left. Pulling out her phone she called Clint, knowing he was the only one who wouldn't question her motives.

"Hey" the male voice answered at the second ring.

"I don't have much time. I need you to get me a jet to Moscow, some money-"

"I know what you need. Just be safe." The archer paused slightly before adding, "Does Steve know?"

"No. No one knows what's going on… you don't either"

Natasha cut him off, knowing her best friend was worried. Turning off her phone she waked down the street and hailed a cab.

"Airport" The red head said to the driver as soon as she opened the door, "I'm in a hurry" With that that driver nodded and pulled into traffic, heading for the airport.

Thirty minutes later Natasha found herself at the airport, looking at the private jet from the backseat of the cab.

"Thank you" Natasha said as she got out and tossed a ten onto the seat.

"Sure thing" The driver said as he took the keys from Natasha as she got out of the cab. Rolling her shoulders she headed towards the jet and quickly climbed the steps.

"Ms. Romanoff" The pilot greeted as Natasha got in. He closed the door before going to the cockpit. It would be a ten hour flight to Moscow; she would probably get there in the early hours of the morning, practically have a whole day to get ready to the party and gather any last minute information she could find. Sighing she leaned back in the leather seat and closed her eyes. She didn't know what Sergei wanted, only knew that he somehow discovered dark secrets about her past. _That _was something that could not happen, what if he sold them to someone who wanted to restart the Red Room program? What if _he _wanted to restart it? There was no way of knowing, but she would question him when she saw him.

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_To Be Continued. . ._


	7. Moscow

**A/N:** I won't be updating this fic every Friday; I might do it every other Friday I need time to write the other chapters; plus I'm also working on another fic. Also I have midterms next week and spring break the week after; college isn't so easy lol Sorry about that! But I hope you guys still like it! Read and Review (:

**P.S** I changed chapters 5 and 6, I suggest you re-read the fic or just re-read those two chapters. Chapter 5 is from Steve's POV and I just changed a few details in Chapter 6.

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Russia, where the sunsets are longer, the dawns less sudden and sentences are often left unfinished from doubt as how to best end them. ― Virginia Woolf, Orlando

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As soon as they got settled into their seats, Tony started typing away at his laptop and switching between his Stark pad and two cell phones. Steve sighed and looked out the small window, a ten hour flight with just his thoughts would be a very long flight.

_Ten Hours Later_

The solider looked out at the ice land as the city lights lit up the night sky, blue hues glanced at his friend who was fast asleep, snoring with his phone in hand. Steve was thankful that Tony had been able to help him, but if his gut was right, this was just the beginning of their search.

As the jet touched down on the tarmac the movement jolted the billionaire awake, his dark hues wide as he got his bearings.

"We're here, it looked like it just snowed a couple days ago. It's probably still cold"

Nodding Tony got up and stretched, before shrugging on a jacket and grabbing his things. "I have a safe house here. We'll get a car and go there"

"Of course you do" Steve said as he grabbed his bag and followed Tony out into the cold Russian night.

The events after getting off the jet were a blur. His mind wouldn't let him concentrate on anything else than the mission. As they got to the safe house, Tony started getting to work with tracking Natasha and her files. Steve on the other hand went to the hidden war room. He would handle this like everything else; tactical planning for everything and anything.

A couple hours later, the sun was slowly rising in the sky, Steve stood with Tony as they both looked at an almost blacked out file.

"This is it?" he asked as Stark slurred his sixth Starbucks coffee, the file only gave information from the New York indecent to now.

"That's it. Someone went through a lot of effort to keep her past hidden" Tony said as he threw his coffee cup away.

"Find out where her files are. I'll get them" he said as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

"It's obvious where they would be at, Steve. We're in Russia. They would be at the Kremlin. You'd have to break in to get them" Stark stated matter-of-factly.

"I have to break into the Kremlin!? Tony this isn't Mission Impossible!" Steve looked at his friend in disbelief.

"What's the worst that could happen? They won't catch you," The playboy genius said dismissively, as he began downloading the schematics to the iconic structure.

Tony went over all the details of where and how. Steve was pretty sure this was all unnecessary. He sighed, rubbing his temples. Tasha's files wouldn't be there. Stark was either trying to keep him busy or there was something in there /he/ needed. Or, Tony had watched Mission Impossible too many times.

"Stop talking. Fine. I'll go. Be close for the extraction if it goes south" Grabbing his cup and downing the last of the caffeinated drink, he quickly exited the room and headed to suit up. 'Looks like Captain America finally has a mission' he thought. What the hell was he really doing? The Kremlin? Fury would love this.

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_To Be Continued. . . _

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**_A/N 2:_**_ Any question you make have leave them in the comments, Ill reply whenever I can_


	8. A Favor

**A/N:** The jewelry is a sliver heart pendent necklace with a red ruby in the middle which he gave her on Christmas and the ring is a simply sliver ring also with a ruby in the middle which he gave her on Valentine's Day.

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If you feel that favors can be returned then you are wrong, no matter how ever big or small it is, it can never be returned. Favors are always for a lifetime...

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The red head got to the hotel and quickly went up to her room. It was still dark outside when she had landed. She knew she needed to sleep but her mind would not shut down. The room was a suite, it was nice, somewhat fancy. Setting her bag down on the bed, she noticed a box –probably the dress she had ordered- opening it she saw that it was indeed the dress but someone had put a gun and a silencer on top of it. _Clint _she thought with a small smile upon her lips.

Using the phone in the room, she called for room service to bring her breakfast at seven. Hanging up she decided a shower was in need. Stripping of her clothes, she got into the shower. The warm water relaxing her muscles just a bit.

After feeling relatively clean she got out and wrapped herself in a thick white towel. Padding into the room she called Clint, wanting to know if he knew anything.

"Barton"

"Clint, give me a full report"

The archer sighed over the line, Natasha knew it was not good. "Tony and Steve left. Not sure where but I'm guessing they went to Moscow. Someone also accessed your files, but since most of it is classified then it's not too bad. HQ is a mad house right now because of it."

The red head pinched the bridge of her nose at her friends words, "Thanks, I have to go," hanging up, she quickly dried herself off and but on a clean pair of undergarments along with jeans and a tank top.

What on earth were they doing here in Russia? Let alone trying to look through her files? She only knew of one person who would be able to help her, dialing the number she waited for him to answer.

"здравствуйте" (hello)

"It's Natasha"

"Ah.. Widow, what can I do for you at such a time?"

"I need you to meet me, I need your help."

"Very well, I shall go to your hotel in a couple hours."

"Thank you" Natasha said as she hung up the phone. Laying on the bed she sighed, closing her green eyes she tried to sleep for a few hours.

_A Couple Hours Later_

As Natasha emerged from the bathroom there was a knock on the door. Padding over to it she opened it, revealing none other than Kadnikov.

"I need you to kidnap Captain America for me" she said after a few seconds passed.

The man let out a booming laugh at her words, "Captain America. You want my men to kidnap him?"

"Yes. If you do it will by me time to meet Sergei and take the files from him. Steve is already looking for all my files. The least important ones are at the Kremlin, the rest Sergei has. I don't know _how _he has them but he does. No one else can get their hands on those files but me."

Taking in her words he nods after a few beats, "Alright, I'll see what I can do"

"Twenty four hours and then you can let him go." There was a small pause before the red head spoke again, "I need you to give him something"

Turning around she walked back into the room and towards the night stand table. Grabbing the small plastic baggie containing the ring and necklace Steve had given her, she walked back to the door.

"Here," she handed him the bag and nodded once, "Thank you"

Taking the bag from her he didn't question its contents as he slipped it into the pocket of his coat. Turning around he pulled his phone out, calling his men and telling them they had a job at the Kremlin.

Self-preservation didn't allow her to feel bad; neither did the training she had received in the Red Room. The red head closed the door and made her way to the bed, digging through the contents of the black duffel bag she searched for her make up satchel. Mentally she could not be Natasha Romanoff the woman who had somehow fallen in love with Steve Rogers. She had to be the Black Widow, trained assassin and seductress; emotionless. She had to detach herself form everyone around her, if they got hurt she couldn't care, they would just be collateral damage.

That's what Steve would be, collateral damage.

Padding into the en-suite bathroom she set the bag down and started applying her make up. It was only ten in the morning but she needed to make sure she had everything ready before the party started at six. After all she was finally going to face Sergei. She didn't know what to expect from the man who claimed to be into business yet somehow had gotten his hands on classified documents. But she would find out, and if needed she would take him down in the process.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . .  
_


	9. The Kremlin

**A/N:** I should tell you guys that the majority of what Steve does is not mine. I'm doing a RP and my partner is Steve… just thought I would let you guys know. but I tweak things around... just not a whole lot.

**Question:** Is anyone even reading this? If so are you guys enjoying it?

* * *

Not even an hour after Tony had downloaded the schematics Steve found himself approaching the building, the shadows covering him. There was an edge to the air that he knew all too well. With a sigh he looked ahead and stealthily slipped behind a parked truck making deliveries. Two men waited by the side entrance. He looked them over, they were dressed like tourists, but he could see the outline of the gun behind their coats. What the hell was he walking into?

Unknown to Steve, Kadnikov's men littered the outer part of the Kremlin, and also the inside. Meanwhile Kadnikov sat in a parked black SUV waiting for his men to do the job they had been instructed to do.

Slipping around the men, he made his way inside. Stark guided him through a Com link and he forgot about the uncomfortable amount of men with guns outside. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but he was close to the target. Opening a locked door with ease, he stepped inside and looked around. He didn't hear the steps behind him until the needle was jammed into his neck and everything wet black.

As cigar smoke started filling the car, Kadnikov started mumbling in Russian to the driver. How long did it take to kidnap Captain America? All his men had to do with stick a needle in his neck. Before he could ask there was a tap on his window, meaning they had him. Pressing the button on the door, the window slowly slid down as the smoke escaped into the cool air, he nodded and the man turned around and headed to another black SUV.

Having lost touch with Steve, Tony began to worry. He knew Steve could handle himself but he didn't like it. Calling in favors, he began to search him out.

Meanwhile in a dark room Steve was just coming to, tied to a chair. Looking around his eyes started to focus on the small room and the few guards watching him. The metal door opened with a loud creak, the Russian lord walked in and immediately started yelling in Russian, yelling at the guards to untie him.

"Mr. Rogers, terribly sorry about this. Theses morons don't listen, I was told not to harm you and no harm will come unless you try and escape."

The Russian accent audible as he spoke calmly, "Now tell whoever was on the other end of your Com that you are alright and not to worry" One of the guards held out an untraceable phone to him, waiting for him to take it and make the call.

Standing Steve grabbed the phone from the man and called Tony. "Stark, stand down. Domestic disturbance" Staring down the man he ended the call before handing the phone back. He now knew that Natasha was involved with this, he didn't know whether to be pissed off or proud of her skills.

"Come along, Mr. Rogers. I shall show you to the living room and dining area" Kadnikov said as he turned to open the door. He was about to walk out when he remembered what Natasha had given him. "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. She told me to give you this" He held the small plastic bag with the silver jewelry in it.

Taking the bag, Steve clenched his jaw, following the man begrudgingly he kept his voice controlled. "She told you to take me? And you listened knowing who I am?"

Walking down the corridor he pushed another door open which emptied into the lavish living room of his mansion. "Of course. I listened to her because I know who _she _is. She shot two of my men in the groin and the first time she came to see me. I know she is capable of killing all of my men without thinking twice. Besides, she only asked me to keep you for 24 hours."

"To order my abduction must mean there's something going on she doesn't want me in the middle of. I'd ask you but even if you know you'd keep quiet." With an internal sigh he looked towards one of the large windows in the room, "If you don't mind I'd like to be alone.

"Of course" Kadnikov said before leaving the room.

Alone the solider in him wanted to take down every obstacle to his freedom down but the man felt something in his breaking. How could she not trust him?

"Steve, do I even want to know what happened?" Tony whispered over the com that was still in Steve's ear.

"No.. You don't. Not at all. Just sit tight and if I disappear tell my story" He couldn't believe he had the ability to joke. Leaning against the window frame he watched as the snow fell, slowly coating the ground and everything it touched with its beauty.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . ._


	10. Target Aquired

**A/N:** This may or may not be the end of the action… still not sure. But be ready for** feels** in upcoming chapters and Clintasha friendship.

* * *

If you've never retreated to the solitude of a dark room and listened to Beethoven's Ninth from start to finish, you know nothing. For music is a transcendental exploration of human emotion and experience, the very fabric of life in its purest form

* * *

Classical music drifts from the ball room as Natasha enters the building. It's a large opera house with two event halls on either side of the main theater. Handing her coat to the coat check, she glances around before making her way into the ball room. Her red curls are elegantly pinned up, the long black dress hugging her in all the right places. With her clutch in hand she makes her way towards the bar. Green hues scan the crowed for a tall, lean man. He must be in his thirties, give or take a couple of years. He wore glasses and had brown eyes. At least that what the pictures online depicted him like.

"Wine, please" The Russian language falling from her tongue as if she spoke it every day.

Casually she scanned the crowd before glancing up at the second level. The second level was a large balcony like section which held booths. Seven booths, a couple of men sitting there had laptops and where clearly discussing something important.

Taking the wine glass she pressed the rim of it to her lips, only to feel a tap on her shoulder moments later.

"Excuse me ma'am, Mr. Veslovsky wants to speak to you" The Russian voice boomed.

_Damn it. _He had spotted her before she could even locate him. He was probably on the second level. Setting the glass down, Natasha grabbed her clutch and followed the man. Unknown to everyone in the room, inside her clutch she had her Widow Bites.

Carefully she picked up the hem of her black dress as they climbed the stairs that led to the second level. Passing three booths, she found herself stopping at the group of men she had spotted not even five minutes ago. Except the man on the farthest side was none other than Sergei.

"Natalya, have a seat. Gentlemen excuse us" His English with no accent what so ever.

The men got up and grabbed their laptops before leaving them alone. Reluctantly Natasha sat down.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to come work for me. You were the best in your group, no one was able to surpass your marks"

Best in your group. Meaning she was the only one alive from her group because she had been forced to kill them all. Including Alina.

"How-"

"How do I know about the Red Room and all those details about you?" Sergei asked as he leaned back in the seat. "Because my grandfather was the reason you and all those girls where in that program in the first place. Andrei Volkov, was the psychology doctor whose program was responsible for you and all the girls in the Red Room."

It clicked in her mind, finally making scenes. Sergei knew about her and all those details because his grandfather had kept his own records of everything. Now he wanted her to join him in the remaking of the Red Room program. He wanted her to train the girls he got. Train them like they had trained her.

"There is no record of him having children"

"His wife had my mother at home, thus no record exists."

"I won't do it…That's not me anymore"

A teasing smile curled at his lips, "Love really has softened you, Natalya Emotions are weakness, don't you know that?"

"I won't do it" She replied firmly as she stood up.

"Take her away, gentlemen"

Behind her two large men grabbed her by her arms and dragged her down the stairs, "Don't make a scene" One said as she kicked at him.

Fine. She wouldn't make a scene, having already seen the USB Sergei slipped into his pocked, all she needed to do was get it. She got the impression that he wasn't the type to trust others with his creation. Hopefully he wasn't like his grandfather and had made a copy of it. She hoped that Sergei trusted technology enough _not _to make a copy.

_Idiots. _She thought as they tossed her the coat closet, they didn't bother taking her clutch away. Nor lock the door. Pushing the door, she felt it hit one of them. _They're standing just outside _She thought as she dug two charged Widow Bites from her clutch. Slipping them under the door she heard two bodies fall to the floor. Opening the door, she bent down and searched them for guns. Strangely enough they didn't have any, they _did _however each have a knife. Grabbing one of the knives, she cut the bottom half of her dress, just above her knees. Making her way back to the ball room, she noticed the guests had gathered around a small stage.

"Welcome! Glad every one of you could make it. What I'm about to share with you is not new, It is a way of creating a new breed of weapons. Human weapons" Sergei proudly said in Russian form where he stood behind the podium.

Natasha didn't want to hear the rest of his speech. He was going to reboot the Red Room program and turn them into 'weapons'. Quickly making her way to the side of the stage she took off her heels and pulled two Bites out. Sliding both across the smooth wooden surface, they electrocuted him, causing people to gasp and shots to be fired. As people screamed and frantically pushed towards the exits, Natasha rushed across the stage and grabbed the USB from his pocket before dashing into the frantic crowd.

Pretending to be utterly afraid and in shock, she screamed and frantically looked around as they made their way out into the cold Russian night.

Clinging to one of the guards she cried and shook.

"What happened? Why were they shooting at us?" she asked, as tears ran down her cheeks.

"It is alright ma'am, let me get you a car" Steering her down the steps, he hailed a cab and set her shaking body in the back seat.

"Wherever she needs to go" The guard said as he tossed the driver a couple of bills before closing the door. As soon as the door closed, the tears stopped and she relaxed feeling the USB in her hand.

_Mission accomplished _She thought to herself as she gave the driver the directions to her hotel.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . ._


	11. Numb

**A/N:** Thank you for those who have sent me PM's on here and have tweeted me about it on twitter. Hope you guys like it! (Twitter: sophiayork13)

* * *

Perhaps it is impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.

* * *

After getting into the cab everything was a blur. The redhead closed the apartment door, the bolt locking into place. Dropping her bag by the door she padded across the wooden floor to the couch, dropping her frame onto it she collapsed, her green eyes staring blankly at the TV.

Having taken her heels off at the party, her feet were still bare, now they were sore, slightly bloody and bare. The bullet graze on her right bicep had clotted but she hadn't bothered cleaning it, let alone stitch it up. The dress was even more tattered than when she had first ripped off the bottom half. Now as she lay on the couch, the white walls reflecting the sun, she felt numb. Normally, after long periods of time undercover or a tough mission she would come here to decompress; to get back in touch with herself. The only person who knew about the townhouse was Clint. Sighing, the redhead closed her eyes, in hopes that when she woke up, things wouldn't be so emotionally fucked up.

"Tasha…Tasha, wake up" the male voice pulled her out of the depths of unconsciousness.

"Clint… What do you want?" she asked as her green hues slowly fluttered open, focusing on the face hovering over her.

"I brought you putin and vodka. Glad I did cuz you don't have shit in the fridge" There was a slight pause as he glanced at her arm, "You eat, I'll clean and stitch that up for you"

He meant well, he truly did. But Natasha was not emotionally well, she didn't even know if she was mentally well. "Leave Clint, I can take care of myself"

The archer sighed; his best friend and partner looked like shit. He watched as she sat up and turned the TV on, sage hues staring blankly at the program on the screen. In other circumstances putin, vodka and a day or two to herself would have helped her. But this was different; whatever had happened in Moscow had really affected her.

"Natasha.. at least eat or change into something clean" He wasn't about to leave that easily, he cared about her and needed her to at least have some food in her, lord only knew how long she had gone without eating.

"I'm fine Clint, just leave. Thank you for the food" her voice was filled with fake emotion, running a hand through his brown locks he sighed.

"Natasha, I need you to _do _something… you look like death warmed over"

His words got to her; he knew because he saw a spark off something in her green eye as she stood up and turned to him. "There. I did something, now leave" there was an edge to her voice. In that instant he knew what needed to be done.

"Alright. I'll see you later" With that he turned on his heels and walked out the door, locking it behind himself. As he opened the main door and walked out, he pulled his phone out and texted the one other person who might be able to help her. She would be furious with him, but that's exactly what she needed to be; she needed to be mad in order for her to even _feel _something.

_I know where Natasha is…. I'll be back at the Tower in ten_

* * *

**A/N 2:** Poutine (/puːˈtiːn/; French: [putin], Quebec French:[put͡sɪn] is a dish originating in Quebec, Canada, made with french fries, topped with a light brown gravy-like sauce and cheese curds.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . ._


	12. A Helping Hand

**A/N:** The beginning is set right after the party in Moscow, and the rest follows the last chapter, this is Steve's POV

* * *

Every man has at least one nightmare he'd like to keep to himself.

* * *

It was all a bur of panic and angry Russian. Tony had told him over the com that the police scanners were going crazy, something big must have happened. Something big having to do with Natasha. Kadnikov had kicked him out before the 24 hours were even up, leaving him to fend for himself in an unknown country. Steve left a message for Tony at his safe house before he managed to find his way to the airport. A hallow feeling was all that remained inside as Tony had him brought back to the Tower. Once there he didn't talk much, only changed and headed straight for the training room despite the lack of sleep and jet lag. The bag with the jewelry he had given Natasha sat on his nightstand untouched. He knew that at some point he would have to move on.

Steve was on his second punching bag when he got the archers text, sending a quick reply he made his way down to the living room to wait for him. He wasn't expecting much, maybe her final goodbye, but other than that there wasn't much to expect.

Thirty minutes later the archer appeared as the door to the elevator opened. Taking a few quick strides out of the metal box he looked at Steve, his hues taking in the soldier's appearance.

"You look tired, I don't blame you. It's Tasha... she's detached herself from any emotions. It happened more often early on..." Clint paused, early on when they had just know each other.

"I can help her but I don't know what happened so I figure you could help her." The man ran his hands through his brown hair almost in an exasperated manner. "It's tricky tho. She only feels pain or anger. After one of those emotions is established the rest will be easier to work with"

Watching the archer carefully he tried to assess his emotions. He loved her. God did he love her. But he was struggling with anger and resentment as well. A hurt pride at her abandonment. But if Clint was right he would have to get over his hurt pride and help her. If it meant he would have her back in his arms, he would do whatever it took to help her.

"What do we need to do?"

"_We_ are not going to do anything. _You _are. I'll get her wrath in the training room later." Pulling out a piece of paper and a key from his pocket he handed them to Steve. The archer knew she would be mad for giving someone the address to her town house, but he didn't care, she needed the help.

"That's the address. It's in the Upper East Side. A town house in Carnegie Hill. And that's the key. Don't lose it; it's my only copy of it." Clint paused for a moment before speaking again, "I know you care about her, might as well smooth things out while you can before it's too late"

It was strange for him to be taking relationship advice from Barton bit he knew it was right. Taking the paper and key from him he nodded once. "I'll head out there"

After thanking Clint he headed up to his floor and took a quick shower and changed before grabbing the bag with the jewelry along with the key he had been given. Getting into the elevator once more he headed down to the garage, and got into his car. Pulling out he headed across the city, hoping that he would in dead be able to get Natasha back.

The drive across the city was a blur. In his mind he relived those days with her. The times she went into his arms. The times they'd made love. She had filled a void in his life that could never be filled by any others. He loved her to the core of his being. Arriving at the address he parked the car and looked up at the apartment trying to figure out how to proceed.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . . _


	13. Collateral Damage

**A/N:** This is my interpretation of what would happen if she had to face the facts about her past again. The talk about fragmented memories is because of the things they tried doing to their brain in the red room. Again this is my interpretation, hope you guys like it. Be prepared for feels!

**THIS CHAPTER IS LONG BUT I PROMISE ITS WORTH THE FEELS! I PROMISE! GIVE IT A READ**

* * *

The worst memories stick with us, while the nice ones always seem to slip through our fingers.

* * *

Closing her eyes, the red head took a breath, trying to make sense of the memories. But all she could see was blood. Hands dripping in blood. _Her _hands. And bodies littering the training room. Blinking her eyes she changed the channel to the Food Network. Her body -although partially covered in blood and dirt- was numb. But so was her mind. _She _was numb. So many lies and facades, who was she? Did she even know who she truly was?

Walking up to the door, Steve took a deep breath and slid the key into the lock. Unlocking it he stepped inside, closing the door and locking it behind himself. The apartment was rather upscale with its furniture, something he hadn't expected from Natasha. Moving past the entry way, he looked around for her. Finally spotting her on the sofa.

The spy had heard the door open and assumed it was Clint coming back. Sighing she ran her hand through her curls still not moving. Why was he back? It was beyond pointless, but he did care about her, so it didn't come as a surprise.

Stepping into the room, he saw her, covered in blood and dirt. He wanted to reach out to her but knew this had to be taken slow. "Natasha… you alright?" His voice was laced with caution as he slowly approached her.

The voice was different. Defiantly not the one she had been expecting. She knew it wasn't Clint, it was Steve. The only thing she could bring herself to do was let out a small sigh.

"What are you doing here?" her voice was hallow and emotionless.

"I'm here for you. To help you. Let me clean those wounds before they get infected"

Kneeling beside her he gently took her hand as he spoke, he knew she could be in worse conditions but the gash on her arm needed to be cleaned, she also felt cold, she was shivering but she didn't seem to notice.

The red head let out a soft scoff at his words. _Infected _was not something that could happen, at least not with just one open wound. Besides, her immune system wouldn't let her get an infection, but of course he didn't know that.

"I'm fine. I can take care of myself. You know where the door is."

"That's bullshit and we both know it" Standing he made his way through the unfamiliar apartment till he found the bathroom, looking through the medicine cabinet for anything First Aid related. Finally he check underneath the sink. Reaching around a bottle of bleach he found the First Aid kit and pulled it out.

Sighing she sits up and stands for the first time in a couple hours. Turning off the TV she padded into her room and closes the door behind herself. She knew making him go away was going to be hard. Maybe harder than getting Clint to leave. But she didn't need him, she didn't need anyone. Not when she was like this. Not when she could easily break down.

Walking out of the bathroom he makes his way to the living room before walking back down the hall. "Sit down at the kitchen table. I'll clean you up there. Then you need to take a shower and put warm clothes on. You'll end up with pneumonia if you stay in that tattered dress" he called out not knowing which one was her bedroom.

"Go away! I don't need you or your help!" She called back as she lay down on the bed. Curling into herself, she closed her eyes, trying hard to fight off the demons that had suddenly resurfaced after so long of being dormant. _You are better than this Widow! You _were _better than this till you let emotions get in the way, now look at yourself!_

Opening the door he glared down at her, he had to get her out of whatever funk she was in.

"Your wounds are getting cleaned and you're going to snap out of this! You think you're the only one with demons?! With a past that better forgotten? Jesus Natasha. You're better than this! Get up and stop hiding behind the Black Widow!"

_Hiding behind the Black Widow _his words caused something to momentarily click inside her. Sitting up and standing in one smooth movement her green hues glared at him.

"Don't even _start _with that. You volunteered. I didn't. I was ripped away from my family! Don't pretend to know what my past is like." Her jaw clenched as she glared at him, her hands balled into fists. And just like that with a sigh she was numb again. She wouldn't tell him half of the things she was remembering, whether they were her own memories or implanted ones she didn't know, all she knew was that she couldn't burden him with words of her past. Sometimes carrying the burden of an upsetting truth, and hiding it, is actually a gift you give someone else. You bear that burden so they won't have to.

He hit a nerve. He saw that fire for a second. Moving towards her, he continued, "What do you want, Nat? Yeah you were ripped away from your family and forced to become a solider. Do you think even though I volunteered it makes you special? Time to put on your big girl panties and suck it up. You're not a little girl anymore. You're a grown woman and you can't hide behind whatever façade this is."

A little girl. She had never been a little girl, even as a child she had not been treated like a little girl. They had all been forced to give up their childhood and study, learn how to hand weapons, train, push their bodies and minds to the breaking point. They were never children.

"You want me to get over it then? Get over all the innocent people I've killed. Get over the fact that I was a science experiment!?"

Natasha pushed past him making her way down the hall only to fell hand on her arm. Spinning around she collides with his muscular chest, his grip like a vice on her arms.

"Damn it, Natasha stop running away. Stop pushing people away! All I want to do is help you" his blue hues searched her sage orbs for any sign but he didn't see the life he used to see in them before Moscow. Something had defiantly changed her.

"Don't touch me!" the red head managed to get herself free and stalked back to the living room. "You want to help me so much? Then get the hell out of here!"

Stalking behind her he tossed the first aid hit on to the table, the plastic making a loud _thud _against the wooden surface. He was done yelling at her, she wouldn't open up that way. Instead he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him once more, only this time he pressed his lips to hers in a rough and demanding kiss. Steve poured all the desperation and emotions he felt over the last couple of days, and the anger he felt at that very moment into the kiss, hoping to get some sort of response from her.

Her words died on her lips as he pulled her to him and kissed her. She couldn't pushing him away, she could hardly move. His hands keeping her in place as his lips were bruising and demanding against hers. A small sound of protest was all that came out of her throat. After a few seconds of struggling she stopped and went still.

Steve knew that the struggling meant she felt something for him, but as she went limp he pushed her away. His frustration was at a boiling point. Turning away from her he closed his eyes trying to not punch the wall. Maybe he should leave. Clint was wrong. There was nothing he could do for her.

As he let her go her arms crossed over her chest. She was confused. On one hand all she felt was guilt but on the other she felt unwanted, rejected. No. She was the Black Widow, everyone wanted her and no one could have her.

"I don't love you Steve. If that's why you're here you have more of a reason to leave. We'll keep things professional on missions and at the Tower"

Turning back to her he pulled her to him again, needing to hold her one last time before he knew he'd have to walk away.

"Look into my eyes and tell me that. Tell me you don't love me." His hands went to her cheek, as he looked deep into her emerald hues, the same ones he'd lost himself to so long ago.

Natasha didn't hug him back, instead she did as he asked and looked into his eyes, "I don't love you, Steve. You should go."

All she saw was pain in his eyes, pain and emptions that she knew were not reflected in her own. "I'm sorry I lead you on"

She couldn't have hurt him worse even if she literally reached into his chest and pulled his heart out. Tony always said he'd regret falling for her. He was right. Pulling the bag with the necklace and ring out, he put the necklace around her neck then took her hand slowly sliding the ring on her finger.

"I love you. Always will. I was a fool. I made a life for us in my mind. I was going to ask you to marry me. We'd slowdown in a few years. Have a family. Then lave all this behind. I was going to take you away from all the violence and show you a quiet life could be just as fulfilling but.. I get that I'm a fool. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I'm sorry for whatever happened to you that made you this way"

_Have a family _that hurt. Hurt more than the lie she had just told him. She needed him to get out before she broke down. "I'm not the person for that. I could never give you that even if I tried. You have plenty of time to get what you want. There's still a lucky girl out there."

Looking into her eyes once more he placed one last kiss on her forehead. "You are that girl. No matter what you think" Sighing he took a step back, "I'll be going away for a while. I'm leaving Clint in charge. Fury offered me a mission in the Middle East. You were the reason I said no but.. if there's no 'us' the dangers don't matter anymore."

"Alright... Just come back in one piece, the world still needs Captain America and the team still needs its fossil. I'll make sure the boys don't destroy the city while you're gone."

Steve nodded slowly, he wasn't planning on making it back. He knew this mission was a one way trip. He wouldn't say that, though. He was worried that she wouldn't be upset, that she wouldn't care. Turning from her he made his way to the door, letting out a dry humorless chuckle. "You're the first person who's ever made me break a promise"

"Some promises are meant to be broken..." Despite how calm she was on the outside, on the inside she was a wreck. A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies. And that was exactly what she had told him. That would be one of the worst lies she would ever tell.

"Don't make me walk out this door Natasha. If I leave, I'm not coming back." _In more ways than one _he thought. Captain America was begging. A whole new low, but it was all he had left.

"You have a job to do.. I'll see you around" The red head turned and made her way down the hall to her bedroom. With a sigh she leaned against the door frame, waiting to hear the sound of the door closing shut, signaling that he had finally left.

* * *

_To Be Continued. . . ._


	14. Cairo

**A/N:** I didn't write this, my RP partner did, I'm just taking it and running with it while I destroy a couple of feels along the way. And by running with it I mean _running _with it… you'll see what I mean in later chapters. Enjoy! (:

* * *

Time flew by and before he knew it, he was suited up and landing in the drop zone. Time to go to work.

_Classified Location 12 Hours later:_

Bullets and fire surrounded the immediate area. Terrorist forces were surrounding the one man army. The shield flew through the air taking down three men in a single arc. As the shield returned to its owner, the first avenger dropped down to avoid a sniper's eye.

His suit was torn and tattered, his shield scorched and scratched. His heart wasn't racing though, no fear running in his veins. He knew his mission, knew it wasn't going to be much longer. Lying in a shallow pool of mud he closed his eyes. Night would fall soon, and he would complete his final mission.

The sound of crickets and a few nocturnal birds told him the sun had set and the moon now ruled the onyx sky. Pulling out of the mud he began his ascent to the top of the hill where a lavish castle rested. Most likely the scene of many parties and once full of love and laughter, it now housed a leading scientist in creating the next even more dangerous version of Extremis. This man and his work couldn't survive.

Breaking into the castle in a side entrance he pulled his silenced pistol from his waistband and began to systematically take out the man's foot soldiers one by one. A large guard at the door took the bullet but didn't fall. Putting the gun away, Steve balled his fists and prepared. The deadly dance began, both large soldier giving and taking blows. Worn down by the day's battle Steve felt his strength slipping. With desperation, he pulled his gun and as the man reached and grabbed Steve's throat in an attempt the crush his windpipe, he thrust it up into the man's neck and pulled the trigger. Blood and brain matter spill on the wall behind them. The body drops and Steve whispers a prayer for the lost soul.

"Captain America, I presume."

Steven turned and faced the man behind him. The scientist gave him a smirk.

"I knew you were coming. I was waiting for you." The scientist continued and crossed his arms.

Breathing hard, Steve looked over the man and raised the gun. The mission was simple, the scientist had to die. Mission orders.

"Such a pity. Such a waste." The scientist's smirk only widened as his skin begins to glow an intense orange. Steve pulled the trigger and though the bullet finds its mark it's not in time. Closing his eyes, Steve now prays for himself, prays that forgiveness can be found for a soldier who had tried to remain a good man despite the world going to shit around him.

An intense explosion ripped through the castle decimating everything in the surrounding area. Embers flutter through the air, as the once peaceful location now resembled a post-apocalyptic wasteland.

_One Day Later_

Most of the debris had been cleared and a cover story had already been airing on the news. They had been searching for the Captain's body for 24 hours but had not found him yet. After an extra three hours they found his body buried under a section of rubble, his shield covering his face. Though the suite had taken most of the damage his body was burnt in a few places, shrapnel protruded from his right side.

After a very faint pulse was located they loaded him onto a stretcher. Placing the stretcher on a helicopter a few SHIELD agents got in and were flown to a hidden SHIELD hospital in Cairo, Egypt.

The forty minute flight to the hospital seemed to take even longer. Along the way Steve's heart had stopped beating, the shrapnel wound was still bleeding and pressure could not be applied without pressing the metal further into him. Orders where given over headsets to have the OR prepped and ready for emergency surgery and blood transfusion would probably be needed.

An hour and a half after the helicopter had landed on the hospital roof, Steve Rogers was being wheeled out of the OR and into a room. The metal had been successfully taken out of his side and the damage it had done to his liver and diaphragm was already beginning to heal due to the serum. Despite the serum, he had fallen into a coma. Now as the Super Solider lay in the room, an IV coming out of his arm and a breathing tube out of his mouth, the news had already reached New York and Director Fury had been informed. Now all that was left to do was wait.

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_To Be Continued. . ._


	15. Forgiving

**A/N:** Please tell me I wasn't the only one with feels. This chapter might also give you feels. Read this while listening to Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell and Kronos Quartet, I cried like a baby.

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All that is left to bring you pain, are the memories. If you face those, you'll be free. You can't spend the rest of your life hiding from yourself; always afraid that your memories will incapacitate you, and they will if you continue to bury them – J.D Stroube

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The time of day could not be known by looking at the sky. The normally blue sky was covered in thick dark grey clouds and as the red heads brown leather riding boots crunched across the gravel, the fog seemed to become thicker. After watching as Steve left her town house she calmly walked into her bedroom and into the bathroom. Stripping off the tattered dress she got into the shower. The stream of hot water washing away the blood and dirt that clung to her skin. But it couldn't wash away the memories, no matter how much she wished it could. After her skin was a pale pink she got out and wrapped herself in a thick white towel. Changing into jeans, a black long sleeve, and her riding boots she grabbed her black coat and keys, making her way out of the apartment.

Now the spy found herself in a cemetery in Stalingrad. On the plane ride over she had looked up Alisa Katayev's grave –at least the one her family had bought, even if her body was really not there- she knew that it was something she had to do. It had been far too long since she had even thought about her, and now that she had been forced to remember all she felt was guilt. Guilt for killing the only person who could have been her friend. _We were friend, even if we never said it out loud. _She stood in front of a grave stone with the name _Alisa Katayev _written on it.

Before she even knew it tears started streaming down her face and crumbled onto her knees. Her arms wrapped around her middle as if she could stop the tears, as if she could stop herself from falling apart. When you initially forgive, it is like letting go of a hot iron. There is initial pain and the scars will show, but you can start living again. That was what she unconsciously wanted; she wanted to start living again. Just like she had unconsciously wanted a second chance all those years ago with Clint.

Her crimson curls like a blood stain against the thick fog. With her arms still around her middle she cried tears running down her face. She cried because she felt, she felt pain, pain for all those people she had killed, pain from remembering her time in the Red Room, pain from losing that child she didn't know whose it was. Pain from the lies she had told Steve. Pain because she could never be able to give him the family he wanted.

Natasha didn't know how long she had been there. Tears still streamed down her face as she placed a hand on the grass. "I'm sorry…" she managed to say before more tears ran down her face. As she went to hug herself again she felt the something on her hand. The ring Steve had given her.

But love is much like a dam; if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, the love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn't even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control.

'_I love you. Always will. I was a fool. I made a life for us in my head. I was going to ask you to marry me. We'd slow down in a few years. Have a family. Then leave all this behind. I was going to take you away from all the violence and show you a quiet life could be fulfilling'_

Natasha Romanoff cried as she remembered those words. And as she cried kneeling on the grave of her friend, knowing that she had killed her and knowing that she had come to love a man out of time, she forgave herself. Thus her walls started crumbling down. The Widow had lost control, she had finally found someone she could love and who loved her in return.

The ringing of her cell phone pulled her out of her thoughts for a moment. It was a text from Nick Fury and it was urgent.

_All members of the Avengers team report to the Tower ASAP_

Taking a few deep breaths to calm herself down she whipped the back of her hand across her cheeks and stood up. Giving the grave one last look she turned on her heels and walked back the way she had come.

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_To Be Continued. . ._


	16. Waiting Game

**A/N:** I know it has been forever since I last updated and I'm sorry about that! UNI has gotten in the way. Read/Review Enjoy (:

_Baby I'm thinking it over What if the way we started made it something cursed from the start What if it only gets colder Would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart Cuz lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are_

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Getting off the jet she took a cab straight to the Tower. As she silently sat in the back seat she got a feeling that something was not right, Fury wouldn't just text them, he'd call them if there was a mission that required the whole team.

Twenty minutes later the cab pulled up to the Tower and the redhead got out. Quickly walking in, she got into the elevator and headed up to the main floor. As the doors opened she saw that she was the last team member to arrive and that Fury had stopped pacing. Slowly she walked out of the metal box and towards the group.

Pacing the room, Fury waited for each Avenger to arrive before finally settling in one spot. He could read the worry in their eyes as they looked around and realized Steve was the only one not there.

Clearing his throat Fury began to speak, "Steve was on an assignment in the Middle East, tracking a lead scientist in a growing terrorist cell. Something went wrong and there was an explosion. It's bad. He's in surgery, he was impaled by debris. He's in a SHIELD hospital in Cairo."

A beat passed after Fury had spoken and she turned around heading back towards the elevator. The redhead hadn't slept or eaten in twelve maybe thirteen hours, but that didn't matter. What mattered was getting to Cairo.

"Tasha." Clint called after her, "You're not going alone." He knew what she was thinking, she was going to go see Steve. The archer wasn't about to let her go on her own, not knowing what to expect from their leaders condition hoping that his presence would be enough in case things turned for the worst.

Natasha gave him a nod before she got into the elevator, Clint hurried to get in after her.

_Cairo_

As soon as they landed they made their way to the hospital, thankful that it was a SHIELD base and they were not questioned as they walked in and asked for his room.

Room 13.

As the pair headed down the hall towards the room Natasha remembered running down a similar corridor after he had gone down with the Hellicarrier a year ago. A _year. _He was back in the hospital after a goddamn _year. _

Walking into the room after Clint she felt her chest tighten as she willed herself not to cry. Carefully she walked over to the bed as Clint sat down in the ottoman on the other side of the bed. Steve looked broken. Even more so than he had last year. She felt her throat close up as she reached for his hand.

"Steve.." The spy's voice cracked at the end betraying what she truly felt.

Despite her refusal not to cry, she cried. Clint quickly got up and rushed to her side, pulling her into a hug.

"He's going to be ok. He's as stubborn as you are" Soothing her red curls down he held her shaking frame as she silently cried. It had been years since Clint had seen her cry, clearly Steve meant more to her than just a friend.

Just then a nurse walked in and gave them an apologetic look as she checked Steve's vitals.

"You must be the wife. I'm so sorry. Talk to him if you can. Remind him why he needs to fight. His body is healing quickly, it's his mind that might take longer. He needs to hear you." Replacing the IV bag she gives them a small smile before leaving the room.

_The wife _the nurse's words felt like an iron rod being stabbed straight through her. Clint walked them over to the ottoman and sat her down.

"I'm going to go get you coffee" he said as he gently squeezed her shoulder before leaving the room.

"Steve..." Natasha mumbled before reaching out and grabbing his hand, "Remember when we first met on the Helicarrier? I was surprised you looked so attractive," she let out a half sob half chuckle at the memory.

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_To Be Continued. . ._


	17. Till Death Do Us Part

**A/N:** The title gives it away. I admit I am an evil person… #SorryNotSorry Enjoy the feels. Continues right where the last chapter left off.

I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other. – Leo, 'The Vow'

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Smiling softly at the fond memory of their first encounter, the redhead decided to tell him something that no one else knew.

"It's kind of funny how dancing helps me relax the fastest… Despite the hours upon hours I was forced to dance while I was in the Red Room I still find some sort of comfort in it… Even though when I do dance I end up dancing without taking breaks so my feet end up bleeding..."

Natasha hadn't admitted that to anyone. Clint knew only because he had walked in on her dancing on bloody feet, but she hadn't actually told him why she did it. As she ran her thumb over Steve's knuckles she dared to look up at his face. There was a bruise along his cheek, a cut over his forehead and another one down the other side of his face. Tears began to sting her green orbs as she took him in.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry I can't give you what you want..." her voice cracked at the end. Of course he would want kids, most people did. Hell, she had even wanted some at one point in her life but soon realized that would not be possible. But he didn't know that. She didn't know what she should tell him first; there were so many things she needed to tell him, but among them all was that she was sorry.

_What's taking Clint so long with the coffee? _ She thought to herself as she looked towards the door, it had been twenty minutes since the archer had left. The constant beeping of the heart machine was the only sound to fill the room. To Natasha the sound was calming; it was like hearing a truck in the city back up, alerting anyone nearby. As the spy's sage hues turned to look at the man lying in the bed, the sound changed. There were no breaks in between each beeping sound, the constant long flat sound pierced through the air, making her heart stop and her blood turn into ice.

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp_

Natasha's green hues turned to the heart monitor where there was a single flat line. No.

"Steve..." her voice was just a whisper before the alarm blared over the speakers.

_CODE BLUE CODE BLUE CODE BLUE CODE BLUE_

All around doctors and nurses rushed down the hall and busted through the door of the room. To Natasha it seemed to go by in slow motion. Nurses were pulling her up by the arm as they shoved the ottoman out of the way and laid Steve flat on the bed and started doing chest compressions.

_"Come on people! Get with it!"_

_"No pulse yet…"_

_"The doctor is here!"_

"Ma'am you need to wait outside." A blonde nurse said, over the voices of the other nurses and doctors inside the room, as she gently pushed Natasha out of the door, two more doctors rushed in just then.

"_Give me an update"_

_"Patient was in an explosion… medics didn't find him till 24 hours later. Came into the OR and shrapnel was removed. There was damage to the diaphragm and liver. Slipped into a coma right after"_

_"Internal bleeding"_

_"Negative. Internal damage started healing right after surgery. Serum he was injected with speeds up the healing process." _

The doctors words were registering in her head, they were trying to figure out what was wrong, out of the corner of her eye she saw Clint, the coffee being dropped as he rushed over to her. As he wrapped an arm around her middle it hit her and she broke down.

"No! Steve!" she practically screamed out as tears rushed down her face, her whole body shook as the archer tried to get her away from the room.

"Steve!" The way she said his name was agonizing. To anyone else the grunt wrenching sobs would have made it seem like they were married, like she had just lost her husband. But Clint knew better, he knew Natasha. And as he pulled her along with him to the waiting area he knew that Natasha Romanoff had fallen hard for Steven Grant Rogers.

"He'll make it," his said as he held his best friend, letting her cry into thee crook of his neck. Truth was, he wasn't even sure himself if their team leader would make it.

"Shhh….He'll make it, Tasha." Even if he didn't know was going to happen, they both needed to hear those words, they needed to be reassured that he was indeed going to make it.

Life is an uncertain thing, and there are some moments one wishes to remember, to imprint upon one's mind that the memory might be taken out later, like a flower pressed between the pages of a book, and admired and recollected anew. As the red head cried into her best friend's shoulder, all the memories that she had shared with Steve, played back in her head. From the first time they met on the Helicarrier to the ordeal with Bucky and all their missions in between. The many private moments at his apartment, the time she finally told she loved him. All those memories came flooding back, making her cry harder, would she ever be able to hold him again? To tell him that she loved him? To lie in the afterglow of their love making? To go on missions with him?

The way he looked at her when he thought no one was looking, the small touches as they passed each other, the close proximity in the kitchen, the way training with him would lead to them barley making it to one of their rooms before their clothes were discarded. The little things. Would she ever be able to get those little things back?

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_To Be Continued. . ._


	18. For Now

**A/N:** THE LAST CHAPTER! Sorry it seems to be cut short but I didn't really know where I was going with it since I wrote the first half like a month ago. Hope the ending is ok I added a few things towards the end that will be an opening for a part two! So be on the lookout for the second part! I post updates on Twitter and Tumblr. Enjoy! Read/Review

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Waiting for news about a loved one is never easy, especially if they had flat lined three and a half hours ago. Both the spy and the archer waited in the waiting room hoping to hear any news about Steve's condition. Natasha was about to get up for what seemed like the hundredth time and track down a doctor and _make _him/her tell her how Steve was doing when more people filed into the room. They weren't just any people, they were people she knew. Tony, Pepper, Bruce, Thor, Fury and Maria all silently walked into the waiting room. It seemed that they were all looking at her as if they could tell she had cried multiple times within the past three hours.

"How..." the strawberry blonde was about to ask when Clint shook his head.

"We don't know…it's been almost four hours" he sounded both tired and worried, "All we can do is wait."

"To hell with waiting! Someone must have answers" Tony said as he turned and headed for the nurses station, only to be stopped by Pepper.

"Tony..." she simply said in her soft yet firm voice, causing the billionaire to sigh and walk back to her side.

"Barton is right. As much as I'd like to pressure them into telling us, we can't. We don't know how bad it is." Fury spoke as he sat himself in one of the many chairs that were in the waiting room.

With a sigh Stark followed Fury's actions and sat down on one of the chairs, Pepper sitting next to him, their hands intertwined as they waited for new on their friend and team leader.

_Four Days Later_

"Take it easy, Grandpa." Tony's voice filled the air of the common area in the Avengers Tower.

"Stark, shut it or I'll let Nat poison your food"

That comment shut the philanthropist up, since the spy was known to have Russian poisons, whether in her possession or otherwise he didn't want to find out. A chuckle escaped the archer who was sitting across from Stark with his wife, Laura.

"You feeling ok?" The red head came up to Steve as he finished filling the last plate with food.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better. The dizziness has gone away and it doesn't hurt as much."

"You should let Helen check it out tomorrow."

"If it'll make you worry less, I will." Steve knew that he was known for brushing off his injuries until the rest of his team had been attended to, but that's what a leader was supposed to do. It brought a small smile to his lips knowing that despite the cold exterior that Natasha had, she deeply cared for him.

"Don't play the 'I have Super Solider Serum so I'm fine' card." Despite the glare she was giving him, Steve was able to see the fear in her emerald hues.

"You flat lined… twice I might add." The dreadful beep that the machine had made would haunt her dreams for a while, she was certain of it. The pain of losing him, even if it was momentarily, had been beyond anything she had felt before. It was like the ground had given away and everything she had known along with it. The only thing that hadn't kept her somewhat grounded was Clint's presence next to her.

"C'mere" Reaching out for her he grabbed her around the waist and turned them around so that his larger frame obstructed the view and she was pinned between him and the kitchen counter.

"I guess you are feeling better." Her lips quirked up into a smirk as she felt his lips ghost over hers before he firmly pressed their lips together.

"Not near the food!" Tony complained

"Get a room!" Sam added

As Steve pulled back he gave her his boyish grin he knew she loved so much before telling the guys to shut it or they would have to cook dinner next time. Shaking her head slightly Natasha handed Clint and Laura their plates before grabbing a few beers and walking back to the group.

They had come a long way in the past few months. Ultron and then Wanda with her Hex that affected everyone but Clint. Yet here they were, chatting away and having a nice dinner.

There would always be problems out there in the world, but maybe, just maybe she would be able to put the world's problems aside for a bit a focus on her own, God only knew how many monsters she had inside herself. Maybe once that was over and done with, once she had faced her monsters and won, she would be able to take Steve up on his offer of having a 'normal' life. But for now, being called a hero wasn't so bad.


End file.
